1. Wake to the sound of your alarm going off for the fourth time. If you rub your temples hard enough, maybe the dream you were having will fall out of your head and become reality. Chew some aspirin to take the edge off your hangover and drink water until you feel slightly sick.
  2. You listened to a podcast last night telling you its healthier to sleep with your phone charging in a different room. Naturally you fell asleep mid way through this podcast and have an imprint of your phone in the middle of your back. Proceed to doomscroll your phone until you have established a baseline level of anger and disgust for the day.
  3. You managed to set out your running clothes last night because you read somewhere that it helps motivate you to run in the morning. Put everything on, except your socks. You cant run in these socks, what the hell were you thinking last night? search your house for the right pair of socks, this should take at least 60% of the time you had allocated to get a run in. Eventually go for a run, feeling as though you have checked off an item from your daily routine in a way that makes you think about being younger and healthier. Ensure you prove to yourself you can still run fast by pushing yourself too hard and incurring a subtle injury that prevents you from running for the next six weeks.
  4. You are home, put the coffee on and take a shower, prodding the parts of yourself you are most unhappy with.
  5. Brush teeth.
  6. Dress and prepare for work. Review your "todo" list from yesterday. Your day should revolve largely around the organization of your "todo" list. Under no circumstances should you complete more items from your "todo" list than you add. Review your calendar for the day which consists largely of meetings that are an opportunity for someone to speak at you in a way that would have been better served an email, but allows that person to look you in the eyes when they passive-aggressively call you out.
  7. At 10:32 someone will say something in jest that you feel especially insecure about. Ensure you fixate on this comment for the next few years. While intended as a witty, throw-away comment, this remark now joins the infernal catalogue embarrassment and doubt that plague your every waking moment. Like poisoned barbs, to attempt to remove them only drives them in deeper. This disrupts your productivity further. You are now wishing for the arrival of 5:14pm where for six minutes and a drink and a half's time, you feel as though you have a solid grasp on the core of your "problem" and are willing and capable of executing it.
  8. You are now ready for your day.